weary, flat, stale & unprofitable

Songs of the hour: Bullet by Hayden; Portastatic; Summer Hymns.

Other Things I Should Be Doing Right Now:
1. Finishing the last 50 pages of Beloved.
2. Finishing the last 4 acts of Othello.
3. Reading recent publications for my independent psych research project (I've decided on the of the role of gratitude and guilt in religion) for my paper-- which is also the only component of my grade.
4. Writing a paper on either "love/gender roles as defined by Much Ado About Nothing and Othello" or "divine intervention in Othello".
5. Writing a paper on either "Modernism portrayed through Prufrock" or structure in Frost's "Design". (masculinity in Beloved)
6. Catching up on half a semester's worth of reading for Cultural Studies, which includes such exciting topics as "Intensities of Feeling Towards a Spatial Politics of Affect".
7. Starting my cultural studies semester project; in which I'm focusing on Patriotism in Advertising.
8. Studying for finals, which start next week.

That list was more for me than you.
Also, I need to figure out this cap and gown business, because, well, I graduate in less than 3 weeks. 3 weeks. 3 weeks and I finally get to stroll out of the ivory tower and stretch my legs a bit. Wander through the garden of reality and real work, and then amble back in when I've picked a bright enough bouquet and stay there for 5 more years. I'm getting a corner office next time... or whatever passes for a corner in a tower.

It's hard for me to picture a school-less life. No constant GPA calculations running in the back of my head. No 85 lb bookbag with me everywhere I go-- finally laying down the hardback Complete Works of Shakespeare whose shape is impressed into my back. No more nightmares about the zillion pdf's slipping unstapled and mingling out of order in my purse (so so sad). No more all-nighters tracing bird or bee imagery through the works of whoever or comparing criticisms of criticisms of criticisms of Marx to Adam Smith. No more a lot of things.
Instead, I get to cook Joss dinner every night. I get to complain about irritating co-workers. I (hopefully please) get a paycheck. I get time to Call You Back. I get to read what I want to read. And, near the top of my list of importance, I get to sleep. Oh, sacred Sleep, I will build you a shrine of feathery down and dreamcatchers, write you hymnal lullabies and love sonnets of how my heart has grown fonder in your absence.

Granted, there will be much moaning and bitching in regards to job applications and grad school applications and where am I going to get a recommendation and the nightmare of "that's my GRE score?!!" but at least I will be well-rested.
I acknowledge the risk of becoming listless and depressed in that post-college habit of losing the structure and constant near-panic of deadlines, but if I do I'll muddle through somehow. If all goes well I'll have a nice challenging research assistant position to keep me on my psychological toes and I'll keep learning in a way that'll keep my gnawing mind satisfied.

But I have to get there first. I have 15 more days under the cognitive tyranny of UNC to swim through. If I get straight A's this semester, which is highly unlikely, I'll walk out with the 3.75 GPA to which I've sacrificed all that sacred sleep. If not, I'll muster together what I can and try to arrange it neatly on a porcelain plate instead for the consumption of various grad school admissions boards. Maybe a twig of mint or parsley will make the difference.

Anyway, I should tackle something on that list now. I won't be a pleasant person for the next couple weeks; I apologize in advance. Try to bear with me. It'll be over soon....

love.

Comments

[Suzanne]

Three weeks!! That's awesome!! I'm so happy for you. And jealous. Did I mention jealous? We will have to celebrate. Can I see you over xmas holiday? I will be in Raleigh/Clayton for about three weeks...