and her words were few and small

Songs of the Hour: It's unquestionably a Leonard Cohen day.

On my way out the door 20 minutes ago the latest in the I'm-moving-and-so-are-you saga occurred. This one has left me weak and teary-eyed. I hate to be redundo-girl and I know you're dreading the next 75 installments of the saga; but so am I and I'm just absolutely at my wits end.

Thursday night I took home a list of every Clinical PhD program in North America and showed it to my dad. I'm willing to work with him on choosing where to apply. He asked a zillion questions about how things worked but was otherwise kinda quiet. My top choice is now UVA, UNCG is my "safety school", and I wouldn't mind going to Temple (PA) and of course if you twisted my arm I'd settle for Duke.

Tonight my dad relaid out the plan where I go to school and he takes care of Joss until I graduate. 

-Daddy I'm not leaving Joss. We've been over this.
-Honey, the second you take that boy outta here my heart's gonna break.
-I know daddy, that's why you have to move with us. We'll find you somewhere nearby. You've been wanting to sell the house anyway. What's wrong with buying a new one in Virginia?
-I'm 67 years old.
-So?
-There's still a lot I want to do. And it don't involve moving.

I didn't have much to say to that. The look on his face when he spoke of his age was rending. I wasn't prepared for such a frank and imploring admission of mortality. Not from pop. Too humbling for both of us. But there is was-- pale and pleading blue eyes nestled in a face of stoicism. I have no idea what to do. Seriously.
The only way out is to get into Duke. I just can't commute to Greensboro again. I don't think he's going to budge. And I cannot leave him alone. This just sucks.I know I've always been a Daddy's girl, but this is beyond that. My dad's insanely lonely as is, and to take Joss out of reach is too cruel for me to live with. Alright, moral crisis stated and rehashed beyond tolerable limits. Enough of that.

Joss has been at camp, and he got back yesterday. He came home sunburned and exhausted and slept from 4 pm to 9 pm. Then, of course, he was wide awake. He woke up wanting to watch Star Trek, which we watched in his room until midnight, when I was literally trying to prop my eyelids open. He talked me into sleeping on his bottom bunk.

I had one of those moments. Whether it's due to exhaustion, or genuine bizarreness, I had one of those 40 minute blocks that feel so surreal the whole question of life and what we do with it, or what we're doing here, or whatever questions plague you in the surreal moments, hung in the very subtext of the silence.
The time between midnight and one was spent staring up at the bottom of the top bunk, answering Joss' 247 questions about The Borg (a star trek villain). How do they work, what are all those wires, what's the big deal, how come if Picard could have surgery to stop being a borg, why couldn't all the others? Why did that one borg have a name? What's a Hue? Isn't it "Hugh"?  And then I'm explaining the difference between the android Data and his brother Lore, and what those words mean and how their names are reflected in their different personalities. And then it's science and technology and magic legends like werewolves and vampires and where they come from and how people believe in things that aren't real because they're scared of them. It was exhaustive. I guess what made it really surreal was how my dad was awake, and playing hymns on the harmonica the entire time. Not little melodies mind you, but professional style (if there's such a thing) harmonies and these complicated weavings and medleys from one to the other where he manages to elicit full symphonic levels of music from this tiny 7 inch peice of metal.  Does that sound surreal? Well, it was. And let me tell you, bunk beds aren't nearly as cool at 30 as they were at 10. Is my exhaustion showing? My exhaustion's showing. Sorry, let me tuck that back in.

I have Joss' B-day pictures, I'll post them when Brian gets back from Hawaii with my camera (lucky bastard). 

I'm getting my delirium outta here. Thanks for the patience with the redundancy. Next post will (hopefully) be better.

love

Comments

[Suzanne]

That's an awful quandry you face with you father. Here's my unsolicited two cents: Do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Do what you need to do to take care of your son. Do what you need to do to make the life you want for yourself. Do it because you need to do it. As awful as it is to imagine a parent lonely and pining for his grandchild, please DON'T sacrifice your needs for his. Let your brother take the reins in NC, and go be the person you want to be, wherever it is you want to do that, with your son by your side. Your dad isn't doing you any favors by being so stubborn and insistent that Joss stay with him. It's unfair of him, even. Can you have the life you want, living in Raleigh? It doesn't sound like it. The decision is ultimately yours, and what choice does he have but to honor that? His life is his, just as yours is your own (well, yours and Joss'). Don't assume responsibility for anyone else's happiness...it just never ends well.

I hope I haven't overstepped any boundaries there. I just had to say that.

[Sara]

I am with Suzy. Now the reason I am with Suzy is that Suzy and I are similar in this way and were raised by parents who pushed us out of the nest singing bird songs of independence. I am grateful to my parents for this although it means I am far from them and this weighs on me more and more. But Suzy is 100% right. Long term, you and Joss are better off getting into the best program and taking four years where you need to go and taking care of this PhD business.

That said, I have in the past few years come into contact with more families like yours (my husband's for example), where FAMILY is what is impressed upon each member, not INDEPENDENCE. Some aspects of this way of thinking sort of make me feel stifled just looking at them, but I see the pay-off too. Closeness, proximity, children who really know their grandparents, and a sort of fierce love and loyalty that exist for those like Suzy and I, but perhaps in a slightly watered down version. Neither way is the right way, they are just different ways, and I think if I was you I would do whatever it took to get into Duke. It's a good school and solves a few problems in one go. But don't be short sighted, don't make a mistake that will hurt you and Joss both in the long run. Apply to 6 or 7 schools so that you can make the best decision based on financial aid, rankings, location, and specialty areas.

I always think these decisions make themselves. Cast you net really wide and then see what comes back. In the meantime, I would try to finagle my way into the admissions circle at Duke, or spend my life studying for the GREs, or whatever it will take for you to get into Duke.

Good luck my friend, Don't lose hope, you'll make the right decision when the time comes.