Came back like a slow voice on a wave of phase

Songs of the hour: Starman by David Bowie, assorted Liz Phair

I have finally managed to put the cards down and focus on life a little. I spent yesterday afternoon researching grad schools-- and  I say again, University websites are the bane of my existence. They tell you nothing.

I've decided (as much as I decide anything) that I'd rather go into a PsyD program than a PhD program. The main difference is that the PhD prepares you for research as well as practice, while the PsyD focuses on practice. It's also about a year shorter on average. The problem is, there are far less PsyD programs out there. Looking at ranked universities, Widener in Philadelphia seems to be one of the best. The the others are in MA, NJ, MI, IN, CT, CA and there's one in VA at The College of William and Mary. Point is, none of these are in NC.

It's not that I'm averse to moving. I just can't imagine leaving my dad all alone. I brought up the subject yesterday in a roundabout fashion, somewhere along the lines of  "So daddy, how do you feel about moving to Philadelphia?"  He stopped what he was doing and stared at me,  in one of his characteristic eternal pauses, "Not so good."
"Dad, I don't want to leave you here alone."
I explained the situation and his immediate response was, "Well, you on to where you need to go and do what you got to do. We'll be fine here." Meaning of course,  him and Joss. 
"Daddy, I'm taking Joss with me."
"No you're not either."
"Dad, I'm not leaving him for years. When I move, he moves with me."
Long pause.
"Jenny, I can't get along without that little boy."
"I know it. That's why you're moving with us. So where do you want to live? Philadelphia? Massachusetts?"
"Naw, it's cold up there."
"What about Alabama? or Florida? You tell me where you want to live, and I'll work something out. There's just nothing here. Not in NC."

He started playing the harmonica and I let it drop. But I've planted the seeds of his uprooting, I need to give them time to take hold. I really don't know what to do. Given the choice between skipping out on grad school, and forcing my dad to live out of Joss' reach, I'm skipping school. I don't think I could leave Joss and be content flying/driving back on weekends. Of course there are a zillion financial considerations no matter what happens, and I have no idea what kind of schools I'll even be able to get into, and the whole goddamn thing's sketchy as hell to me, but this is the biggest hurdle. I'll have to see how he "figures" it.

On a different note, I would like to share with you my latest discovery. Here we have Vojo's citrus energy mints. Sugar free, contains some amount of vitamins  caffeine, and comes in this sleek box. Very exciting. But when I opened it, lo and behold, it revealed itself to be the ideal, cutting edge cocaine carrier that it is. Not only does it contain a nice amount of space convenient for any shape substance, it also has a mirror inside the lid. Obviously, I do not involve myself in narcotics of any sort. however, I can't help but wonder what other purpose such a mirror  would serve in such a container.
   

The mints themselves, being a connoisseur of mints, are a little tart  and have that bitter vitaminy aftertaste. I, however, love them. They taste just like baby aspirin. And when I was a child, I loved baby aspirin.

Actually, I ate half a bottle of baby aspirin once. I had just watched that cartoon "The Littles" about little people about the size of mice that lived in walls and had to hide all the time so that no one found out about them. There was an evil man  that suspected their existence and was always hunting them. Anyway, that episode, they were doing a don't do drugs thing and the immediate danger of some kid who was on the verge of doing some kind of drug was enough to make the littles REVEAL THEMSELVES to the kid to talk him out of it. I may be misremembering, but I think that's the gist of it. So I, in my tricky 8 year old cleverness, went back to my room with a bottle of baby aspirin and narrated loudly and at length what I was about to do to an empty room. When I had finally consumed half the bottle in slow, dramatic, narrative gestures, I finally concluded-- what's that? You think I concluded that they didn't exist? Don't be silly. Of course they exist. I concluded that they didn't care if I lived or died.

what a brat. my god.

love.